Life is a COLORFUL mess

Where would I be if all my DREAMS came true?

2009-06-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

I WANT to wake up and exercise
eat healthy!
Get ready for the day.

Smile.
TRAVEL, TRAVEL, TRAVEL.
tell the truth
....
live my life.
Go on adventures.
Learn to play the piano
Understand the way people feel,

understand in general.
accept the things i don't understand.
start my own clothing boutique
i want to
... let people in.
break down my many barriers.

serve.
Learn to S W I M.
love. be loved. and love.
forgive. learn.
choose a major.
go on more adventures, take pictures.
JOIN the peace corps... maybe.
i want to have a job that i like. or at least i can tolerate.
i want to have some sort of savings
i want to be prepared.
i want to...

FEEL.
..... Freedom.
DANCE. DANCE, DANCE.
BE IN CONTROL,

I want BALANCE.

talk, walk, run. I CAN FLY.

2008-12-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Like the mercy corps, i believe that "human imagination and energy can inspire innovative solutions to any problem, no matter how intractable." My values, my heart, my soul, my very core inspires and intensely urges me to act, to make a difference. I just don't know how to do that when getting out of bed seems to be too much on occasion. I feel uplifted by things i discover in my everyday life: music i hear, things I observe, thoughts that i think and even more often than not, my feelings. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with feelings. Feelings that go beyond any form of verbal expression, Its beautiful!

Sometimes, alone and secluded on a lonely winters day I laugh; I OVERFLOW with contentment with the only reason being the contentment could no longer stand to be ignored. It's amazing how difficult it is for me to get the idea of free agency under control. Free agency = decisions and choices. That means i choose, I choose to get out of bed, i choose to observe, imagine, create, love, forgive, eat, listen, talk, walk, run, and sometimes i think even fly! I choose to not let the fact that i got pulled over this morning ruin my day... well you get the picture. I choose to be in control. Its a funny thing, I believe once I solidly harness this concept in it entirety i can change the world, but until then, I'll just take it one day at a time!

Be happy!
Right now.
Because YOU CAN BE!

Fear.

2008-10-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

So tonight was a fun night, very Halloween appropriate! Some of my very dearest friends and I wanted a good scare so we went on a little walk around the cemetery. We didn't actually go into the cemetery but we walked along the gate. It was dark, quite, and absolutely chilling. We were walking along when the street light about a hundred feet in front of us decided to flicker and die, this of course gave us the chills and we let out a few delightfully fearful screams. The light then turned back on, shiny and bright like nothing was wrong. As we continued to walk towards this street light, again it flickered and died. We turned the corner and at the exact same time Rayna and I exclaimed, "wait is that a person?" We paused and starred into the darkness. We convinced ourselves there was a shadow and turned to run away. Our adrenaline pumping, we were were making good time, grasping each other as we went. we ran past the light and, who would have guessed it turned off a third time. This strange event only made us move our little booties faster. We got to the car, got in and locked the doors. We (in between our panting) began to laugh. As we started driving, we had to pass the devil light one more time... and yeah you guessed it, as soon as we passed, it flickered to its death once again.

Halloween has never really been my favorite holiday but... i do enjoy a good scare every once in awhile :). Anyway the real purpose for me writing this blog is to convey something that i have been thinking about alot lately and that is the idea of fear. Fear is something i fear. Everyone has fears. Some are small things like spiders or heights, while others land themselves on a completely different scale. Things such as loneliness or wrong being done to those we love, maybe even fear of the things we feel or think, fear of our minds and the power it has over us. Fear is a horrible thing, it is or can be detrimental.

Fear is an everyday thing. Fear affects our decisions in our daily life and in our long term goals. Fear is what grants me my insecurities. Fear dulls my expression, dims my perceptions, confuses my thoughts, and distresses my demeanor. FEAR. this single word brings a rush of emotion to my heart and many words to my mind including doubt, despair, anxiety, distress, cowardice and darkness. Fear keeps my own mind from being free, I am a prisoner to my own fear. if fear was a person, what would we say about them.

"From in the shadow
She calls
And in the shadow
She finds a way
And in the shadow
She crawls
Clutching her faded photograph
My image under her thumb
Yes with a message for my heart
And in the mist
There she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight
And I ride to work every morning
Wondering why"

Fear is chaining my heart, keeping it from freedom.

Some of my favorite quotes on the topic of fear. Follow .

DON MIGUEL RUIZ:
Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

HENRY JAMES:
Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON:
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

So fear. you listen here, and listen good. I'm leaving you and i don't feel bad.
you may miss my presence but i know for a fact i wont miss yours
I have the power to liberate myself from your grasp.
I'm breaking the chains.
I'm speaking up, taking charge flying free.
I'm planting a seed of faith. faith is your enemy fear.
SO fear beware.
My voice is coming through. and thats not easy.

FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT COEXSIST.
I'M GOING TO START LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST... AND THAT MEANS ABSENT OF FEAR.

Goodbye summer, sweet sweet summer!!!

2008-10-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

Goodbye summer, goodbye! Goodbye Raintree, good by summer nights. Goodbye guitar sessions, goodbye scooter rides. Goodbye to the fabulous four. (Ryan, Rachel, Jeanie, Tua) Goodbye swimming pool. I fare thee well. Thanks for a good sunny happy summer!

I want to change the world.

2008-08-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Music is such a beautiful thing. For me it is a great outlet for any emotion that i am feeling.

I heard a song on a blog recently that I thougt was amazing!! its by ingrid MIichealson.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

So just an update, i kind of gave up on blogging but its nice for me to have as a journal type thing. Moving out of the drizzle and back in with the parentals. sad. happy. responsible i suppose. going back to UVU still undecided major. Working at a pex alarms setting up security systems til the end of october. hmmmm wishing i was in San Fransisco right this very second. sooooon though i hope i get to go.

Oh and it was just my birthday yesterday i almost forgot, i worked 8 hours on my birthday went to dinner with some friends and went to bed! yayyyy!!! I'm 20 now WEIRD!

thats about it.

CINNAMON is sweet.

2008-05-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT CORINNE BAILEY-RAE SURE DOES KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.

" Three little birds sat on my window

and they told me I don't have to worry.

Summer came like cinnamon,

so sweet.

little girls double dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes we got it wrong, but it's alright

the more things seem to change,

the more they stay the same

OH don't you hesitate

Girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song

yeah go ahead let your hair down.

Saphire and faded jeans i hope you get your dreams

just go ahead let your hair down

your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

blue as the sky somber and lonely,

sippin tea in the bar by the road side

just relax just relax

dont you let those other boys fool you

gotta love that afro hair do

maybe sometimes we feel afraid but its alright

the more we stay the same,

the more they seem to change.

your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

it was more than i could take

pity, for pity's sake

some nights kept me awake

i thought that i was stronger

when you gonna realize

that you don't even have to try any longer.

just go ahead and do what you want to.

your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Pretty.

2008-04-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

Today. Today was a pretty day. I felt pretty. The sky was pretty... normal, and so were the trees. There were lots of colorful blossoms to be observed and enjoyed.

The sun was a big disco ball, and I danced.

I woke up at a slow pace.

I got ready to the beat of some french electronica music.

I walked. Found a pretty awesome used bookstore with lots of pretty neat books, and an even cooler underground bead store with lots of pretty things.

I bought some fierce blue earrings at the catholic thrift store for a pretty fierce price. 25 cents ... mmmm hmmm!

I enjoyed a delicious vanilla raspberry italian soda at a local coffee house and dreamed up some pretty cool things for my life.

I researched the genocide in darfur and checked out 3 books on genocide just for the mere sake of learning something new.

Also, I payed the gym a visit and ended my pretty day with a steaming hot shower.

I fell asleep reading one of my favorite books 'cry, the beloved country.'

PRETTY = PEACEFUL=SMILES

Bleeding Colors

2008-04-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

I try my best,
I don't succeed.
I am so tired,
but I can't sleep.

I have friends,
but I walk alone.
My confusion is endless,
it goes on and on.

I try and talk,
my words are replaced
with the tears
that stream down my face.

In the future
where will I be?
Right now I'm lost
and incomplete.

I step back,
take a breath.
Something is broken.
I'm such a mess.

Is there anyone out there who is lost and hurt and lonely too? Are they bleeding my colors into one? Have i come undone? I wonder if there is a chance to overcome or maybe I'm just back at square one.

LOOK UP! AT NIGHT.
LETS START FLYING, TRYING.
STOP CRYING.
SOMETIMES I JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.

If you could see this then you'd understand, if you could feel this then you'd understand. But I don't understand. My heart is heavy and it affects my eyes, it's hard to see clearly. the beauty comes in not understanding, and not always knowing.
The beauty of the search for passion, for meaning, for peace.

Love
Believe, Breath
Don't talk, listen
Discover.

The future is full of discovery. I'm in control! Where do I want to go? What things do I want to know? I am in control. Somebody is listening to what I say. I'm under the surface, I'm trying to break through. Trying to reassure and be reassured that it's all going to be okay.

one of those moments when everything is so clear.

2008-03-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

What do I want in life? A question, that for me is not easily answered. I want to love and be loved... simple right? Actually, I would venture to say it is quite complicated. All I can do is be who I am. I AM REAL, I FEEL, I LAUGH, I CRY, I HURT, I LONG, AND I LAUGH SOME MORE. So I will continue to exist, but what will I do in this life, cause only I have the power to decide that.

I will travel to the core of my own sorrow and i will not shrink back from the further pains that life will bring.

I will be brave.

I will be strong.

I will dance with joy, and let that joy fill me within every inch of my soul.

I WILL LAUGH

I will wake up after a night of tears, no matter how much I don't want to , and do what needs to be done to keep going.

I will be okay with failure.

I will challenge myself.

I will push the limits of my body, my mind and my spirit.

I will not give up.

I WILL FIND BEAUTY ALL AROUND, EVEN WHEN THINGS DON'T LOOK SO PRETTY.

I will stand by those i love even through the fire.

I will be alone with myself and enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments.

I will worship.

I will pray.

I WILL SERVE.

I will look like a fool if necessary, just for the adventure of being alive.

I will have faith.

I will have hope.

I will love.

I will forgive.

I will have dreams.

and though it seems,

I am just barely getting by,

I will dream with TEARS in my eyes.

and most important,

I will make a difference.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

2008-02-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

When life gets hard, discouraging, and looks hopeless i like to make lists of things that make me happy to lift my spirits :)

Things that make me HAPPY!

Sunny days, adventures, BEADED CURTAINS, PEACE symbols, little botiques in the middle of nowhere, used bookstores, regular book stores, coffee shops in the citly, insense, COLORS, dresses, being barefoot, being different, dancing, dancing in abandoned golf courses at night when no one is around, staring at the stars and having the stars stare back, counting the stars, talking about past times with friends, dreaming about the future, being on a schedule, following the rules, THROWING THE RULES OUT THE WINDOW, lightning storms in the summer, the sound of rain, the way snow sparkles, MY FAMILY, going on walks, laughing til i cry/ crying til i laugh/ or perhaps both at the same time, texting random things that people dont understand, getting reply's that dont exactly make sense either, inside jokes, sarcasm, fashion, kissing, peacock earrings, being held by someone just to be held... without an ounce of selfishness on either side, big baggy t-shirts, sitting in the hot tub after working out, rain tree, suprise parties, MY MOM! spending all day at the lake, TAN LINES! hiking, taking pictures, not making decisions, catholic thrift stores, pretending to be a homie g, truly believing i'm gangsta, making up raps, making people laugh, when people get my sense of humor, THE WORD LIBERATING, falling in love, laughing so hard your face hurts, a hot shower, no lines at the grocery store, getting mail, hearing a favorite song on the radio, hot towels fresh out of the dryer, chocolate milk, a good conversation, the beach, finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter, midnight phone calls that last for hours, running through the sprinklers, laughing for no reason at all, waking up and realizing you still have a few hours to sleep, first kiss, having someone play with my hair, hot chocolate runs, road trips with friends, swinging on swings, making cookies, holding hands with someone i care about, sunrise, sunsets, knowing that someone misses me, HUGS, knowing i've done the right thing no matter what other people think. feeling pain in order to feel joy, feeling peace and holding onto the way it feels, finding beauty around me even when things dont look so pretty, feeling emotion in general, having moments (although very rare) when life seems so clear, being passionate even though at times i dont know what to be passionate about, being passionate about passion itself.

what makes you happy?

pure, simple, real.

2008-02-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

It only seems fair to start off my blogging experience with a little rap.
its gonna be pure, simple, real so don't give me no crap.
It should be nice being able to keep up with all you chap's!
oh snap, oh snap.
"My pen drips,
as i scribble my thoughts on thin strips,
of emotion."
I borrowed those lines from my g's Jurassic five.
Masters of their time
they really know whats up, know how to rhyme.
I used to think blogging was a crime,
but now I've had a change of mind.
yo
cause you better know
I'm the j to the ea n the i the e
cant no other girl put it down like me
wicka wicka what?
so peace and love don't you ever forget.

*best read out loud, maybe ask someone to lay down a beat.
** oh and dont be afraid to get up and move yo feet.
:)